Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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