A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
