So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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