swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
