Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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