I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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