I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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