and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
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She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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