i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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