Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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