Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
