Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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