my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
