So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
