Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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