Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
