How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
