I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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