i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
