i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
