This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
