I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
