This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She's like a pop up book from hell.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
