My sheets look like a crime scene.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
