The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
