Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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