Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
