I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
