im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
