guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just high enough for therapy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
