Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
