fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
