if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
