I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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