don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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