it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
