i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
