i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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