I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
