Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
