I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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