I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
