Redeem this text for a blowjob
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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