i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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