im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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