well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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