my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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