I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
