what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
