I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
