she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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