my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
one might say we're banned from that church
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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