I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
