i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
