Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
