If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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