That's when you crack a 10am beer
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
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two words: eviction party
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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