Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
