There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
