Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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